Where are we going?

I want you to think. You've heard stories about your parents getting grounded or maybe even getting spankings. But go back a generation and they were giving spankings in schools - with paddles. And go back again I remember my grandparents having to cut their own branch from a willow tree to come back in and "git a likin'."

There were TV shows of adults hauling kids by their ears to and fro. Discipline was a part of every day life. It was expected and it made us wiser, stronger, and better for it.

Today, we have learned to be "patient." There is a better way to teach our children, letting them explore the world around them and discover what works and what doesn't work.

What I see is a decline from the Greatest Generation - those that lived through the Great Depression. Those that endured and fought in World War II to this new generation, they feel they are "entitled." OMG like, the new iPhone is coming out. I'm going to get my camping gear ready.

It is a changing world. So where does patience and acceptance come into play?

I fear that we have become soft. Where is the heart of America - the farm workers? Factory workers? Many have been moved overseas. Jobs that could be done cheaper somewhere else are being done somewhere else. Now those jobs seem below us. But they weren't below our grandparents. Those people I look up to with such esteem.

Patiently, I raise my kids and can only wonder how to instill in them the work ethic of my parents and grandparents. Hopefully, they see the opportunity before them is not something to be taken for granted.

Giving til you love

Today's reading was from Philippians and it took me to a couple places.

First, we are all different. We have different hopes and desires. Booker T Washington said "There is as much dignity in tilling a field as in writing a poem." 

Which simply means, you may work with your hands or your minds. but in both cases, I would suggest doing it "unto the Lord." 

The verse accompanying the reading was Philippians 3:14, I press on toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Jesus Christ.

Which led to this verse from Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Mind the gap (jump from platform to train)

Every marriage is a union of two selfish people who both naturally want to "do it my way." Did you know your mom and I have had to have conversations about how to fold towels and how to hang shirts? You may have heard us say "Don't compromise, but rather be happy knowing the other is happy."

In that statement, you are yielding your own desires for the other person's desires and finding joy in their perspective - giving them dignity and value in their choice (to work with their hands {tilling} vs voice {poem}).

How does this play out in dating? Give. Give without any thought of getting anything in return. Some people will absorb your giving. Some people will give it back. 

Give where you can. Again, if you have words, use words. If you have hands, use hands. If you have money, use gifts. Give what God has given to you.

The thing is, this applies not only to dating but to everything. That's why dating should be easy. It doesn't matter if it is your best friend or your least favorite. In fact, the Message puts it this way: “I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we’re at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.

You enemies. So how much more should you give to someone you are treating out for an afternoon/evening. Like I said, giving doesn't have to be STUFF, it can be time, energy, conversation. But you have to be the giver.

Think about it.

Family/Marriage Inventory

This was too good to pass up. Read a blog by Andrew Linder today. In it he said:

“To be successful, you need to know what makes her tick, and you also need to know what ticks her off.”

Click Here for the full article.

Did I say that?

I was reading from "All Pro Dad" about preparing my boys for manhood. This included a section about becoming a father and starting a family. All things that are visible down the tracks in my household.

But this article struck me because of #2, "Respect." It is something that I feel I have failed on and didn't realize until I've watched it play out in my kids.

I've been a part of several companies and been as high as Vice President. However, I've always reached a limit of sorts, when I encounter the next level up. In each case, I'm not in positional authority and therefore must submit to that authority.

This may sound like every employee complaining about their boss. But to be honest, it isn't. Some people are going to complain if they had to work for a saint like Mother Theresa.

And that is when it hit me. My young adult children have only seen me in my later years, the years where I was near the top. They have seen me struggle against the next level and point out the inconsistencies and alternate solutions. They have heard my heart and desire and how "logical" it all sounds.

That is because I have been used to being able to "vent" with my wife. My wife knows me like none other. She helps recharge me so I can go back in another day and do it again. She knows that my actions at work are consistent to the forgiving and gracious character that I have and display on the outside everywhere I go. Everywhere I go, except home.

So there it is, my kids see my critical side. And as such, haven't learned the grace that we should give others. The Grace that God offers us that we in turn can offer others. Now I wish I could turn back the clock and be more careful about where I discuss my woes. Or that I could show them my actions when I am at work over my criticism about work.

There is the life that I live, and then there are the battles that rage in my head. My home has been the place I let my guard down and I see that was a mistake because of how critical and inconsiderate my kids are towards others. They are fine with the people they like, but not everybody.

As a soccer coach, I tell my players that as much as you feel others pushing, pulling or grabbing at you, your team is pushing, pulling and grabbing at them. It is so easy to see the speck in your friend's eye and completely ignore the plank in your own. And so I write to myself here.

My prayer now is that they learn more about God's grace so they can extend it to others. Plain and simple. And with what time I have left, I hope I can be a better example.

You Can't Win Them All

You can't win them all. That's what struck me when I was reading in Galatians today. In the first chapter, Paul is hounding the people of Galatia saying, "Hey! I told you something miraculous - why are you ignoring it?"

He points out that his life is a changed life. I can't think of one more changed. He was specifically one that attacked Christians, then he is confronted by Jesus Christ himself (note, this is the Jesus Christ that was crucified, but raised from the dead). This confrontation resulted in him receiving a divine revelation that taught him the message that we now call the Gospel.

He went from being a killer of Christians to being a creator of Christians. And given that he had the message directly from Jesus, the resurrected Christ (and not hearsay) it was a pretty direct and compelling message.

I can understand why he would write this letter to these people. He's astonished that they could ignore such an amazing love and call to love. So, sorry Paul, you can't win them all.

But you know what. I've read and heard the story too. I believe it. And I find myself struggling in my day to day to be victorious. Some days, I'm great. others, I struggle. In fact, as a new Christian, I was confronted regularly about things that God says in the Bible that I should apply to my life.

Take swearing. When I was in High School, everybody did it. I grew up in a military family. It was fairly normal in military life. You hear "Bad Words" quite often, but at what point and time did I realize that I didn't have control over it.

For me, I was an adult with four kids. I was playing soccer and someone took me down from behind. I landed on and split my knee cap. As I rolled around on the ground, I was swearing up a storm. That night and into the next week, my mind kept coming back to that. I was put in a cast from my toes to my hip, but what dug into my mind more was not my knee, but the fact that my teammates all knew I was a Christian, and I just went off so bad I could make a sailor blush.

I'm not perfect, but I've gone through more broken bones, car accidents, and heated discussions since that time. My words have changed. I'm more creative. There are more laughs after I "swear" with a Yosemite Sam "Dag-Nabbit!" than if I had said something else.

I can't win them all either. But I have made some huge strides in pushing back the dark side of myself.

What about you? What things (big or small) have you made huge strides in? Perhaps a full 180 like Paul?

Honor vs Honors

What is the difference between graduating with honors and earning the medal of honor?

In both cases, you have to earn it. Graduating with honors shows that you have taken the time and energy required to pass your courses.

What does this say about the person that graduates with honors? It might say they are dedicated to their studies - but we all know this is only true some of the time. That's because we all have met the accidental genius that just seems to be able to memorize history and math facts as easily as the alphabet. They make the typical honors student mad with how easy they earn their grades.

But in general, we might say they worked hard. It doesn't tell us if they are going to be a good boss, a good parent, or a good spouse. It simply tells us they can study and pass an exam.

What about the medal of honor? Well, you have to join the military for one. And after that, you have to do something that shows "Conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of life above and beyond the call of duty."

That's a lot of words to say "I was willing to lay my life down for the good of others."

Interesting how one honor is a measure of the mind, while the other might be a measure of the heart.

Both are commendable. But I have to admit, beyond education, it is hard to earn more honors for intellect. However, even the simplest among us (Forest Gump) are capable of earning honor that comes from a heart condition.

How might you earn honor in your day to day? Certainly, you don't have to take a bullet. But honor can come from, well, honesty. Another thing you might find is that being sincere or dependable are characteristics others value and... honor.

What about living out your honor? Being respectful, helpful, and thoughtful toward others - whether friend, stranger, or enemy. Being consistent to yourself despite how others treat you. These are again honorable traits.

In all these cases, these things are within your power to control. Will you make a choice to live honorably? What specifically will you do (at home, at work, at play)?

Needed

It's strange. When you go down the street, you see "Help Wanted" signs in the windows of stores. But what if there was a sign that said "Help Needed?" Is there a difference?

There seems to be an internal desire to be needed. In fact, most people need something. It may not be a physical thing at all.

There is something I do that I didn't really notice. But I discovered when I'm mixing a lot - in a semi-social semi-professional environment. I make eye contact and I smile at people.

You know, this simple gesture seems to make people smile. And that, in return, makes me feel like I gave them something. Which is true. Apparently smiling reduces stress. So I reduce stress, and the person that smiles back is reducing stress. Which makes me glad I did it.

The thing is, people need more than a smile. They need conversation. They need affirmation. They need encouragement. They need to be cared for physically. They need to be touched physically. They need help even when they say they don't. People need each other.

I find this at work in my home. I need my wife and she needs me. I need my kids, and they need me. How we express those needs is challenging. Ultimately, we desire comfort. So putting my family needs above my own can be uncomfortable.

But I learned a long time ago that if I lift someone up, they will in turn lift me up. Maybe not the first time, or the second time, but with time, they will reciprocate. And as we love each other, we can build to greater things.

The more I humble myself, the more those around me become humble and do the same.

Lend a helping hand today.

Forgiveness Changes You

Do you have something that pops to your mind when you think "Forgive and Forget?"

I usually jump to one of the big hurts in my life and I realize that I'm identifying the hurt first. Second, I remember the people that were involved in causing that hurt.

At no point in thinking about "Forgive & Forget" do I think about the moment I forgave the person that hurt me. And clearly, I'm remembering the issue, not forgetting it. Isn't that weird?

Now consider the opposite side. Have you ever done something that ended up hurting someone else? It may be a surprise to you to find this difficult to bring to mind. "Have I ever been so cruel?"

Ironically, I'm sure we have. By and large, I think people believe the best about themselves. It is hard to think about yourself in a negative way - as in someone that makes a choice to hurt someone else.

Pretty much, I believe most people are good. But that doesn't stop us from messing up and whether intentionally (out of selfish desires) or unintentionally hurting others.

They say holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

In fact, forgiveness may bring enormous benefits. WebMD says you are likely to enjoy lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system, and a drop in the stress. You may also feel less back pain, have fewer digestive issues and headaches may become less frequent.

That sounds nice.

Ultimately, when I come back to Forgive and Forget, I really come back to something I've adopted called "replacement theory." That is, I need to replace bad things with good.

In the case of a person that has hurt me, I need to first recognize they may be just like me - not that bad after all. Second, I need to look for positive engagements with them. That is, part of forgiving is replacing the hurt with joy.

This is probably both hardest and easiest with our family. First, these wounds can be the worst. More and more today we are discovering young people with horrific abuse in their past (apologies for bringing this up). But the restoration of those young people to their relatives is the most powerful.

Think of it like being forgiven a debt of $1 so you could buy a coke vs being forgiven the debt owed on your home. It is quite possible you have forgotten to pay back someone some small change it is so insignificant, but how can you pay back someone who pays off your home? That payment is powerful.

My hope is that you can find ways of letting go of hurt and becoming empowered by forgiveness. I know that my life was changed by forgiveness.

Measure of a Heart

I was at an event recently. It was designed to allow people to socialize and really determine if this is a group of people you could hang out with.

We've all been there. You show up at a social event and it is kind of like that Heineken Commercial "Cheers to the unexpected" You are the guy in a suit when everybody else is in a costume. Or you were expecting a couple people and you're shoulder to shoulder standing room only.

Socially we run into the same thing. You find yourself talking to the astrophysicist in the room. Or the person that knows everything about every subject. And let's not forget the me-monster.

Recently, I was being social, helping people relax and laugh when the laughter was interrupted by "Well let's let her answer the question!" My immediate thought was "you don't get invited to many parties do you?"

But the point for me is what makes a person someone you genuinely want to be around? I've been around some really intelligent people. And there is always a real person inside. The guy that founded the company, literally, did what Apple did with Xerox and made a GUI system out of nothing. And I was able to find he's a beach volleyball player. Bottle bottom glasses and a beach volleyball player.

Similarly, there are people at these events that want to be social, but don't know how. You have the opportunity to spread the circle wider. I often say I have DES (Darting Eye Syndrome) because I bring someone into the circle, then immediately start looking for the next outlier.

You have to be willing to pause, and inquire about the details. There is an intangible element to it. I always go back to the heart condition. I'm a guy that is changed. I know that if I wasn't captured by a love that is unconditional, I wouldn't know what it would be like to love other people in the same way.

I really believe when you interact with people, you can sense their heart condition. It's like the Hallmark movies. Right away you can tell who has the big heart and is genuine, and who has the wrong motivations in life. And you're wondering why the main character hasn't figured it out yet.

At tryouts, my son was reflecting on the same thing. In an hour and a half, he's commenting about the negative vibes he gets from players that are just trying to show off they are the best. When really the coach is looking to find he players that not only have good skills, but also have great attitudes.

Many great minds are amazing and wonderful. And these could be considered great people. But I believe the true measure of a man is around his heart.

Self Destructive Thoughts

I really am not a fan of things in the water. I love water. Love it. I just don't like the things in it. Coral - beautiful, will rip the flesh right off your feet and legs. Seaweed can tangle you up, or even lily pads in a lake can be dangerous. What do you think of jelly fish? I don't know if you can count alligators as things in the water.

Then this fish cannibalism is ridiculous. Some fish will eat fish that are the same size as themselves. Talk about having eyes bigger than your stomach. I don't even understand how that is possible.

Then you go bigger and get crabs, lobsters, stingrays, squids and octopus, tuna, sharks and whales. The whole thing gets pretty gross to me.

And yet we throw a hook down there and lure them into our boats so we can drag them home and mount them on a wall or serve them in sushi.

Which just makes you think that these creatures were really put here for food. I'm not sure they have a lot going on inside their brains except "will this fit in my mouth?"

How often do we fall into the same boat? What out there looks yummy and we ask the dumb question "I wonder if this will fit in my mouth?"

If I'm at the office, I am not tempted to eat cookies. But if I'm working from home and I happen by the kitchen, sure enough, a cookie craving takes over and ... well ... I can lose track of how many I eat in an eight hour workday.

I find that numerous things in life are like that. First, someone plants a seed that gives you an idea you may not have thought of before. Maybe it is a compliment - something that boosts your pride. Soon, your brain says you are better than others. And we've all heard it, pride comes before a great fall.

The point is your environment will shape your thoughts and your thoughts will betray you into doing something that may ultimately be your demise. Many great people have been tempted and fallen victim to the lures that are around them.

The thing I tell my kids and friends is to change your environment. Go outside. I find that most temptations are not as tempting when you are outside.

But if you are outside and that is where the temptation is, go for a ride. Change your place. Change the situation.

Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away.

My charge to you is drag yourself away from the temptation - and do your best to drag others away too.

Friend to Mate

If you know me, you know I dated a lot before marriage. At one point, the small group of guys I led came over and opened my "little red book." They counted over 60 phone numbers.

When I got a phone number, it was with the intention that someday I might take that person out. So over the five year period (three high school, two post high school) I probably went on at least one date with most of those people.

To be clear, "A Date." It is a specific time on the calendar where we choose to get together in the same vehicle and go to the same place together. We MAY have other people, but most of the time, it was just me and my "date," a friend.

Why do I say this? Well because today I've heard of people who are "dating" which means they like each other so much that they always sit next to each other at events and they text each other and they smile a lot at each other. But they may have never actually gone on a "date." In my world, that is "going steady." "Dating" is the act of taking someone on a date.

What is sad is that in the schools, kids who are dating might make-out in the halls. And if they are willing to do this, then what are they willing to do when they get in private? As your mind floats to an answer, ask yourself if this is dating or if this is gratifying our sex drive that happens to be in high gear during high school or college.

Sorry - this is a little crude. But honestly we (society) have said that this is acceptable behavior. So how are we really supposed to find a best friend for life when the lust factor has been satisfied (or disappointed). Potentially the best part of a relationship is burned up like a firework and everything after that feels like hard work.

As someone who has been married for nearly a quarter century, there is a point where you realize the honeymoon is over. They talk about this in work settings too. "He's been here about three months, now he gets that it isn't all roses, but hard work."

Relationships are more than just physical. That's critical to understand. If you are looking for the love of your life, make the physical part of your relationship the last thing you focus on.

Again, going back to my dating experience, someone had to past muster - or a baseline to make it into my little red book. They had to have some personality that would entice me to want to hang with them for more than a class period. Getting them out on the date would tell me if I would like to hang out with them again. Getting them out on multiple dates meant they were intriguing enough to get to know deeper.

Before I ever laid lips on these dates, I had already established a real relationship - more than "math is a drag, let's skip class and make-out," kind of conversations.

Here's the kicker for me. If you hold off on the holding hands, the kiss and focus on the caring (acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation, and quality time) then you will always have something to look forward to. Proverbs says a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

I can say "AMEN!" to that. My wedding kiss was so long that the congregation went from applause to silence to laughter to silence to laughter to silence to applause. It was special. We made that kiss special. I'll have to save how we did that for another post.

Service hearted

I don't know how many times I have talked to the boys about this one. The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve…  Matthew 20:28

When you think about "kings" you think this is someone who is to be honored and served. We don't really think of Kings like that anymore. Maybe some nations have a strong dictator like person at the head, but many do see it as a service to their people now.

So think of it a different way. Who is your boss? Who is your boss' boss? What if you were standing side by side at a meeting and the boss' boss criticizes the way the meeting is going. As a subordinate, you are likely to agree or go along with whatever they say. And if they say, "get more coffee." You'll hop to it.

This verse turns that concept upside down. One of my favorite artists, Rich Mullins, was at an awards banquet where he was nominated for an award. When he actually won the award, they couldn't find him. He had slipped into the back and was restocking the food tables with the other hired staff.

This seems a bit odd, but some people feel more comfortable building others up. And I think this is the point of Jesus. Jesus came to show his love for us - before we could ever say "no" to him, he said "yes" to us. No matter our past, our present, our future, he is reaching to you and all you have to do is say "yes."

Note, that doesn't mean your problems will go away, it just means you can start a relationship with someone who is not worried about your issues. He cannot love you any more or any less than he already did when first got the idea to knit you together in your mother's womb.

The dude is crazy about you. And he wants to lift you up to heights higher than you can imagine.

I want to live my life in such a way that this is my heart beat. Serving others not for humanities sake, but because I have been shown great love and this is how I can show love in return.

Perseverance

As a soccer player, I recognize a significant difference between endurance and persistence. In the first case, I know the end. For a game, that is 90 minutes, 120 if it goes to extra time, and penalty kicks after that. Endurance gets me there.

But Persistence is different. I pursue perfection in my skills. In fact, I can pursue endurance or stamina by working on my fitness so that I can go the full 90/120/PKs.

In my life, I want to pursue excellence in soccer. But I also want to pursue excellence in being a father. And it doesn't stop there, I want to be an excellent husband. And after that, a great friend to others. When they lay the flowers on my casket, I want others to say that I loved God with my life.

It isn't endurance that gets me to these places, it is perseverance. Right now, I feel a bit out of the game. I know that the testing of my faith will help develop perseverance.

You could say I'm still in a physical test right now. And perhaps these last five years have been an enormous faith test. But I'm not being tested in my day to day on the faith level. I can live my life pretty much like my neighbors.

To me, that is just getting through life. I know that I am more capable of just passing through this life. I need to get back in the game.

Reputation Matters

I had to do a coaching test yesterday. All the information was about "Awareness."

Are you aware that teenagers are victims of sexual harassment not only by adults, but also by their peers? Are you aware that coaches and students alike are responsible for their behavior when it comes to bullying? In the case of abuse, there is a requirement as a coach that we MUST report it to the authorities (police) before we can report it to the school we work for.

I suppose I'm fine with all of this. When I think about the stories I've been told, hazing used to be more normal as sort of a right of passage. It could seriously hit all of those "bad things" in one evening.

There are two things that get me on this. First, we are pumping these "non-adults" with "adult" things. Honestly, most of the music that adults find offensive is geared toward the kids. Seems that "ratings" are not really the issue. It is access.

Similarly, I don't understand how "kids" can get access to free condoms and pregnancy tests at school. Is that like saying "Look, we know you are going to do it, so let's just make it easier for you." And then we turn around and make the coaches and teachers (the adults) responsible or liable if the kid has non-consenting sex with another student.

Reputation matters. Let's be honest, everybody wants to be invited to the "cool kid" party. I know I did way back in 8th grade. What I didn't know was how crazy the party was going to be. At the party, I was offered both alcohol and sex. Somehow, I managed to get out unscathed.

In High School, same thing. College, same again. You can't go to a fraternity party and not expect to see humanity at its lowest.

But here is where my reputation comes in. I grew up in a house where drinking was allowed. The first time I "chugged" a whole beer was after a rugby practice in High School - AT HOME with my MOM. And I dated a lot of girls in High School and was asked to sneak out. A LOT of girls. I didn't sneak out and I didn't sleep with any of them. And at the end of the year, I had A LOT of girls that valued our dates and valued our relationship - non-sexual, just friends, best of luck to you.

I carried that reputation to college hundreds of miles away and when I was in those fraternity parties, girls found me and asked me to "Please, take my beer. I don't want to get drunk," or looping an arm with mine "Can I hang with you? I don't like this other guy's advances." I was at the party, NOT drinking, but having fun and helping those that also wanted to have fun without the alcohol and other temptations.

My thing here is that my reputation is that I'm in control of myself. I drink when I want to drink, I don't drink to get drunk. I set up scenarios so that I'm not alone with a girl - so I don't fall into a tempting situation. And that reputation helps keep me out of trouble.

When you are raising your kids, help them think about boundaries before they need them. My son looked at me and said "You're the one that told me not to kiss until I'm married!" To which I laugh now. I never said that. But we had a talk where he decided on his own where to draw that line. I don't even know that I saw the outcome of his decision. But, he blames me :). Perfect!

As a parent, you can tell. You can tell by the friends they keep, the clothes they wear, the music they listen to, the games they play, and the way they treat you.

Start young! Shape the path. Reputation matters.

Wisdom and Experience

We've all seen it (I think). Because as much as you may make fun of a Hallmark movie, you can't help but sit through at least 20 minutes just to prove you know the entire outcome of the story.

In fact, my kids have created Christmas Hallmark Bingo. It includes about a dozen game boards each with spaces like "vehicle breaks down," "winter storm," "girl Pep talk," or one of our favorites "Kid is a better actor." Naturally, the center free space is "They Kiss!"

Why has everyone seen at least 20 minutes of these masterpieces? Because that's how long before the next commercial.

Have you noticed that in these commercials they have wonderful happy people doing random everyday things? Seems like the world is normal - and I think that is the message they are trying to convey. Take our pill, be normal.

This works pretty well until the announcer starts into the possible side effects. I'm always amazed by the products that are supposed to stop heart burn that "may cause heart burn." Is that another way of saying if it didn't work? "Well, we told you so."

The thing is we are a word-of-mouth society. We trust each other to give us good advice. Good salesmen make you trust them before they sell you anything. You have to lean into their wisdom and experience in order to make a decision about something you don't know enough about.

As youth, we often think our parents don't want to hear or don't really know about what we are experiencing. But the truth is, adults/PARENTS were once hormone infused youth. They have walked down those paths an have some amazing insight which is usually tied to some amazing stories.

So if you are a youth, don't hesitate to open up to your parents. Ask questions. Proverbs says "Without wise leadership, a nation falls; there is safety in having many advisers."

Lean into those that have gone before you and listen. You may still want to go and make mistakes. Which may result in the dreaded "I told you so." But if you are open and honest with your parents, you are less likely to find shock and frustration. You'll more likely find compassion and love.

Finding Focus

My kids like to listen to "music" while they study. Note the quotes around the word "music" implies that I hardly consider it music. To me it is much closer to word vomit. I think they call it "rap" or "hip hop."

But here is what I noticed. Back in grade school and middle school, they could memorize just about anything. Now, they seem to only memorize lyrics and one-liners from movies.

On the positive side, I think I'm blessed because by and large, the "music" they listen to is not popular. It has a good message. And they don't repeat any distasteful things (around my ears).

But then we could go to a restaurant and hear a popular song and wouldn't you know, they quietly mouth the lyrics to those ones too.

I suppose the point is that when we want to learn something, we can. For some reason, the same son that can pick an artist and song out faster than Google cannot figure out how to cook to pizzas in the oven at the same time. He tosses his hands in the air and asks a brother to do it claiming it is too much for him to handle.

If we give up easily on making a pizza, how much more scary is it that we give up on our spiritual lives?

Most motivational speakers (secular or christian) will tell you to focus on your spiritual life. As a Christian, I find truth in the Bible. And my concern is that people don't want to read anything spiritual. They give up. It's too hard. Or perhaps the most common, I didn't like what it said.

Look, being lazy to obtain success only works in Office Space. If you want to find truth, you need to work at it and wrestle with it until you understand it.

Here are some truths I've found.

First, it often requires a teacher. Remember Louis Armstrong's words in What a Wonderful World? We know our kids will know more than us because we pour into them and they expand on it. 

As important as the teacher is, the learner must put in the time. 

Tools can be helpful. When I coach soccer, I use many tools to improve footwork, speed and agility, but the most important tool is the ball.

Practice. Malcolm Gladwell suggested 10,000 hours of deliberate practice to become exceptional in a given field. When it comes to your spiritual life, how long do you want to wait before you become proficient in your core values and what you believe?

The last thing, ironically, maybe more in the spiritual world than other places is peace and quite. It is interesting in the Christian world they call "devotion time with God" "Quiet Time."

Studies show that noise, even relaxing music, causes tension in your brain because it is processing electrical signals from the ear. Silence on the other hand (lack of noise) relaxes that energy. There is profound benefits to silence and meditation.

In my world, the goal is to fill that silence with prayers for others, wisdom and insight for myself.

John 14

Eye on the Prize

In baseball, you are instructed to keep your eye on the ball all the way from the pitcher's hand to the bat. The best hitters don't just swing or close their eyes at the moment of impact. And if you are in the outfield, use two hands and watch that ball all the way to your mitt.

What happens if you take your eye off the ball? Well, in some cases, you can still be successful. In fact, the ESPN Highlighs and YouTube videos out there will make you think that the fundamentals are irrelevant. Every little league coach hates watching the pros because they always catch one handed and super casual - like this is easy.

And then there is the guy that misses it. He takes an easy play and blows it. That's the one that hurts. That's the one you want to show your little league team. Bring out the blooper reel and popcorn - here is what not to do in critical games.

In sports, messing up can be funny to the spectator (unless it is your team), but in life it isn't really that way.

Here's one, don't get into a relationship with someone at work. People warn against things like this because if things go south in the relationship, the whole office feels it and often has to take sides.

How about driving? Dropping a french fry on the seat can distract you just long enough for you to miss something on the road. Having your passengers distract you can be worse. But the distracted driving laws (cell phones) are there for a reason.

What about your friend choices? I feel it is important for you to be true to who you are. There is a place for you. But I don't think that you should change who you are in order to be liked by a particular group. This is a slippery slope that will trash your integrity because you are not being true to yourself.

When we are true to ourselves, our character, our values, then we are going to be attractive to others. Why? Because people can see when others are being real and when they are being fake.

In sports, a good coach or scout can tell when someone gets lucky and does something unusual, or if they are practiced and focused and could repeat that over and over again.

When it comes to loving others, it should be natural and not forced. And when it comes to keeping yourself or others safe, you should be able to focus and be intentional.

Be on your guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be strong. Be courageous.

If people try to entice you to be who you are not, turn your back on them.

Psalm 119:72-72

Lies do not become us

We have two rules in our house that will get you the worst punishment. The first was hitting, punching, kicking, etc. We feel that there are more creative (maybe not as fast) ways of resolving conflict. The second was lying. 

So when one of our boys took something that was off limits from our room, we asked. "How did you get that?"

We have a saying in our house, "You gotta be honest." To us, the worse crime is deceit. We feel that trust is paramount so that we can make good decisions and know that all the information is on the table.

Deeper inside, we know that if people are willing to lie about something small, then there are good  chances they would lie about something bigger or more important. Then I found this study that says we actually train our brains to lie. Watch the video for a  quick summary.

When we lie, we find some reason to justify it in our minds. If that reason is soothing, then we will go back to that justification again later. And if it doesn't satisfy, we will dig for another lie or excuse as to why the lie is okay. We reject the Truth and replace it with a lie.

This is where lies get compounded and people get hurt. Or, as we have all seen, the wrong people get promoted or good people leave.

I've found the best solution with regards to lies can be found in War Games:

The only winning move is not to play

It's true that people are going to screw up. But there isn't a reason to compound the problem by lying about the screw up. 

So while I was mad at my son for taking something from my room, I'm grateful that he told the truth about it when we confronted him. 

Blowing up

This weekend should have been awesome. We had two teams in the state tournament that were both projected to do well. I had to work for one of the games. No big deal.

I got there for the majority of the second game where our boys were down by one. They equalized and really should have done better. But it wasn't to be. They lost in a shootout. 

But the good news is the other son went on to win yet another state championship. Woo hoo!

Then there was the Big Game. Of course, I'm tired of the dynamic duo, so I worked on cleaning out my email while looking up only to see if there were any fun commercials. 

At the end of it all, I had a couple rough conversations over the weekend. The first was with my folks. They pressed me on a job situation they know nothing about and then I pressed them on a primary care situation that I'm not qualified to speak about. In the end it was a "tense" discussion with some awkward moments of silence as the other realized there was no budging on this topic.

The second would be with my son who felt compelled to argue about returning an item to the store. The logic is always dumbfounding when you deal with your college kids. 

Oh - and I suppose I failed to mention the wife situation with the kids not supposed to be using the game system, but they were.

While I didn't feel the weekend was particularly bad, what I realized is that I didn't handle any of those conversations the way I should have. And I had to ask, "What's under my skin?"

I find that when something is bothering me, everything is impacted. Victories seem less sweet. Relationships seem stressed, and my voice gets louder despite the fact I have no desire to yell. 

Am I holding something in that I need to give up.

I know I need to be quick to listen to others. I didn't listen well. 

I know I need to be slow to get angry. I wasn't crazy bad, but I was emphatic. 

For me, I'm guessing it is the stress of not having clear direction on the job front. Time is pressing and I'm going to be feeling that pressure more and more as the months pass. I'm praying against the critical nature I have so that I'm not blowing up at the small things - like returning something to the store. 

Is there something you are bottling up and carrying around that might blow at any time? Try to identify it and surrender it. 

Groups for Good

I've found in life that you may have a boundary like, holding hands with a girl. But then one day, you hold hands with a girl and you never want to go back. That sounds simple, but think about how far kids (minors) go these days to get attention.

I wonder how many times we get swayed by the crowd. I look at high school these days and am shocked at what a crazy place it is. Think of how they dress, treat teachers, or talk. Literally, most kids can't speak a full sentence without swearing. And I'm not sure most of them would wear those things to your average restaurant.

So where does that come from? I suppose that we could argue that many in the home are experiencing foul mouthed parents who lounge around in their underwear. But what are the other influences. I don't know of many (popular) video games that openly use swear words in every sentence. However, I do see/hear it in music videos.

But take those same kids and put them in a job interview in a coffee shop. Suddenly, they lose their favorite expletive. They dress nice. They have respect for authority. By and large, they can act like an adult for a while.

It seems obvious. “Bad company corrupts good character.”

Perhaps that is why alternative schools are getting so much traction. If you take the students out of the "bad" environment, then they are more likely to focus on the good things they can do to change their current situation.

The bigger question I have for you is whether or not you can run against the crowd? For instance, can you be in the caustic environment and survive unscathed? Perhaps for a short time. If you are surrounded by a good group in a caustic environment, you are probably less likely to be impacted.

One last story. I moved from a small town in Idaho to a suburb of Washington DC. The first thing I noticed was how quickly students walked to class. I'd be in mozie mode and kids would go flying by me "walking." I thought to myself, "This is just a faster pace."

Three years later I went to college and within my first week I realized I was "walking" to class faster than everyone else on campus. Without really noticing, I had been influenced by my environment.

The important thing is that we get back to what we know is right, surround ourselves with those that we want to emulate. Good will rub off on good.