Reflecting on my Love for God

At present, I'm still living in His grace. That is to say that I'm mighty frustrated with God on account of watching non-christian people achieve huge successes (as concerned by my standards) and meanwhile I'm sort of squandering on the side. Why he doesn't just put me under His thumb and squash me is only grace.

I find that nothing makes me more alive than working with High Schoolers. The other night, we had both a High School and Jr. High group over. I walked into the Jr. High group and was simply uninspired to do anything. I walk into the High School group and I can feel my pulse quicken and conversation leap to life. I chased talkative students into corners while pulling the quiet ones out.

It's just who I am, I'm largely frustrated with God because I would love to be in ministry for/to/with this demographic. Twice he has brought me to the doorstep of opportunity and twice he didn't just not answer the door, he opened it and then he slammed it in my face. Twice. (Remember, only a friend can betray a friend).

This has me all flummoxed. What does he want me to do with this passion and drive inside? The first time it happened it took quite a bit of time before I even considered getting back in the ring. This time?

So here I am, wanting to do "good" for God and I get rejected - dare I say, by Him.

CS Lewis writes in Mere Christianity that there is God's love for man, and then there is man's love for God. The second is the curious one because I don't feel much in love with the big guy (as you might be able to surmise why if you've followed my blog). But he proposes that we should act like it and not try to manufacture the feelings.

In truth, I feel this way about my family on any given day/moment. How do I know I love my wife? Because I know I want to spend my life making her happy. However, when she does something to frustrate me - I find myself not feeling very loving. I can't just flip a switch and get all lovey dovey. However, sometime in the next 24 hours, I'm sure I can feel all lovey dovey and ba-dow!

OK forgive me. But the point stands. Mending a relationship with God is difficult. It feels very one sided and time moves much slower. So I'm in the repair stages. I don't FEEL like loving Him, but I will continue to because of the first point Lewis makes; God's love for man.

While my feelings are not consistent, God's love is. For some reason, he doesn't smite me when I rebel in any way. He isn't bothered by my incredulousness. He is patient with me - more than I can ever be. I know this. But I can't help but be frustrated with how he shows his love for me.

See, I don't want Jesus to die on the cross for me, I want him to provide a comfortable life for me. Then it will be easy for me to get back in the saddle and do whatever he calls me to do....

Why doesn't God do what I want!? Why can't I be master of the universe?!

Thoughts on making spiritual progress

I have a pretty old dog now. By that I mean in dog years he is older than me :). You would think that would mean he is pretty smart, but in reality, he is just as silly as when we first got him when it comes to going for walks. Know what I mean? Here comes a mail box or light post. What does the dog do? He runs ahead, checks it out, leaves his mark, and then goes to the opposite side of the pole from me. He might even run all the way around it again - in the wrong direction! Then he wonders why we have stopped walking.

Why is it that the dog looks at me like it is my fault? Why after so many years can't he figure out what he needs to do to move on?

Well, that is the point when it comes to spiritual matters. I wonder if I'm at an impasse with my spiritual life. I'm looking to God to make things right when all the time it is me that has messed things up.

Have I been tied up like this before? Do I know the way out? I don't know and I don't like it. But I'll be willing to entertain the idea.

My fears on display

Here I am, a Christian. I am not too proud to admit that I have issues with God. I don't understand why he would pick both Moses and Saul/Paul (both murderers) to do some of his greatest declarative work. Me? I'm like the rich young ruler, I am like the seed among the thorns,

I don't know what God wants with me and I don't know what he wants for me. In theory, I am loved by him and my heart longs to sing his praises. But theory is currently out the window. I don't like God much at all right now.

Here is my real fear

The Lord searches all hearts and understands all the intent of the thoughts. 

—1 Chronicles 28:9

What if I don't even know myself? 

I'm watching my grandmother go through Dementia/Alzheimers right now. I've had a bad memory as long as I can remember. It isn't that I don't know where my car keys are kind of thing, it is more of I don't remember being the catalyst for my best friend's surprise birthday party. I don't remember fixing code I already fixed. I don't remember entire events and times of my life. They are gone. 

And so as I look at a very real trajectory that in 20 years (if I'm still around) I could be spouting something from the deep, dark recesses of my soul to people I don't know or to my own children and wife, what will come out?

Do I really believe? Will Jesus be my best friend and stand by me in that time - or will he let the Devil work his schemes through my lips. Will I be one of those angry and annoying patients that they stick in the back hallways behind locked doors?

My only consolation is that there are times when I don't like my family much at all. I can say that of my wife and children, of my parents and brothers. But this doesn't stop them from being family. And in the end, I will do whatever I can for any of them because I love them as family.

God uses the word Adoption in the Bible to describe how we become his children. Once adopted, we are His. So I can let my fears go and say "God, what you do with me and how you do it is completely up to you." 

So let this be my apology in advance to my family and friends. If I turn out to be a disgruntled vegetable when I get old, I'm sorry.  Pray for me, that God would see fit to cut away the weeds.

The impotent gospel

Frustration wells up in me. Here we are in a modern America where we have produced the most lame standards, the most uncreative and unproductive society America has ever known. As I sit around a group of adults discussing the woes of raising our children, we are all reminded of these important verses and admonishments from the Bible:

• A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. —Proverbs 15:1
• Jesus fulfilled the prophetic words of Isaiah, “He was oppressed and He was afflicted, yet He opened not His mouth” Isaiah 53:7

And we are not to strike our children lest we get dragged out into public and told this is child abuse. We are to turn the other cheek and continue to extend grace and forgiveness. A small comment can start a large fight. When we, by God’s grace, choose not to retaliate with our words, we honor Jesus our Savior. So basically - good luck finding a way to guide and direct your child because you can't touch them and you can't yell at them.

Do we forget that Jesus also created a whip and drove out the money changers? Do we forget that he also challenged the people in authority? Jesus did use force when needed.

I have four boys and I have four different personalities in my house. If I think that simply telling them one time is going to get the action I want, I'm deceived! Only one of my four boys will take action on the first ask. And it won't be the same one every time.

When we look back and we see heros - real heros, every day americans going out to serve their country in battle we find that the proverbs were at work in their parents:

• He that spares the rod, hates his son, but he that loves him, disciplines him diligently
• Discipline your son while there is hope
• Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it from him
• Do no withhold correction from the child, if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him, and save him from death
• A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.

And in Hebrews 12, we are reminded that "...the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son. Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?"

I can't remember the last time I spanked one of my children, and I'm trying desperately to uninstall the "malware, Lecture 1.0" from my hard drive. This leaves me resorting to pleading with my children "PLEASE, don't make bad decisions. PLEASE, think about what you just said and tell me how that is uplifting to those who heard it. PLEASE think of others before yourself. PLEASE... PLEASE... PLEASE."

I feel impotent to direct the path of my kids. I'm not sure this is healthy.

Thanks GrandDad

My dad recently came across his father's journal from late High School and early college. My dad suggested that there we're gaps that made the journal interesting reading - but totally left you hanging.

I'm at the point of wanting to put more in writing just so my kids can see. There is also a part of me that is scared. I'm watching my grandmother walk through dementia. My mom is equally scared - and I've never had a good memory, so I'm really scared. I don't know how much longer I will have these memories. So perhaps I get more in here than I expect. But thanks goes to GrandDad for writing and for Dad for inspiring.

I've been working on trying to use the stock market to earn a daily income. I've been down this path before. In fact, the first time I tried this was probably over 10 years ago. In that time frame, I've taken two solid runs at it. This is the third time I've tried. The joke is that all three times I started, the market was going up. I got confidence quickly and then the market completely fell out and I ran away. This time, as the market is falling out, I'm doing OK. It is mostly because I don't have any other options. I have to make this work or I will be looking for another JOB.

My current plan is to trade the first hour of the morning... That's about 6:30am to 7:30am. So there is discipline in getting to bed and getting up.

There are other things I'm trying in the waking hours of the day. I have three devotional guides coming to me. One is "Our Daily Bread" another is from John Piper, another is from CS Lewis. Lastly, If these are not inspiring, I read a chapter from the Bible. Right now I happen to be in 2 Corinthians. The last thing I did was pick up a 153 hours of John Piper going through the book of Romans. I've listened to the first hour and my summary is:

• For God, praise is the sweet echo of his own excellence in the hearts of his people.
• For us, praise is the summit of satisfaction that comes from living in fellowship with God.

To speak to the heart of where I am with God right now, I have little praise. I feel like the neighbor who looks out his window and sees all the neighbors having a party. The neighbor throwing the party knows whom they will choose to come to the party, and I'm just not one of them. Sure, I'm his "friend," But I'm obviously not one of the "cool" guys.

So - I'm doing a lot of self examination and trying to figure out what's next. But hope springs eternal. I'm still looking in my mailbox for an invitation to something new.

The Middle Ages

I'm not talking about some feudal society in Medieval times. Although, Feudal (a 3M Bookshelf game) is one of my favorite games.

No - today I'm talking about this time of life. My middle ages. I worked a successful job for 15 years and was really just done .Why? Well it was a small company without a lot of upward potential for me. I could have continued on and received a pay check month after month - but that's just not where it is for me.

My wife put it this way; as we examined all the things that we did in our week, we found that the thing with the least amount of purpose was the J.O.B. This thing sucked up more time than everything else and was failing to provide anything except the monthly income.

Is purpose all that important that I would throw away such an "easy income" in a good work situation? Apparently, yes.

CS Lewis wrote in the Screwtape letters that one of the ways to beat down Christians and make them ineffective is to use time decay and simply wear down the soul by attrition. What's worse, he suggests, is that if we are successful, we end up knitting our hearts to success and neglect the things that we once cared about (a spouse, our kids, etc). And we completely forget about the One who created us.

I think we also reach a point of saying "I've been around the block and I can do it better than the old block head above me." I've experienced this in my coaching career - as I had an evaluator/coach who came from the school of "Run them till they vomit" tell me I didn't make the cut. This after a dozen of my peers gave me solid props for a good session.

It is hard to "feel" God in these doldrums. It is hard to want to give him praise for mediocrity in my life. It is hard to be faithful when you don't feel God has been faithful.

What I find is that I'm at odds with God's timing and his justice. Theologically, I know I should be grateful for life after death - that His invitation, the gift to be in Heaven is all I need. And Theologically, I am content with this. But what I don't understand is why he would have me suffer emotionally through this time of life while others find success and do nothing to acknowledge His sovereign hand.

Yeah. I've been around the block and I suffer with the idea that I could do it better than the divine block head that breathed life into me. He knows my heart and I know his Word. We are at odds while I try to move out of my middle ages into the next great adventure.

Beautiful and Warm

There are certain things that can give us pause. They take our breath away, so to speak. For instance, have you ever watched the sunset on a mountain plain with the wild flowers apparently changing colors like the clouds and mountain snow above them? What about the perfect wave in the ocean, crystal clear water on a turquoise backdrop? Have you ever been struck just watching a child play? Or a potter at their craft? There are times when I can just stare at my wife and I know I'm happy inside.

I have this sense that when I look at creation and even the things that man has accomplished that I'm only seeing a glimpse of something even more spectacular. Remember, in the 1930's they were considering closing the patent offices because we couldn't possibly find that much more stuff to patent - whoa how far we've come in a century!

If God can spin this world into orbit just so that we could survive, and if he could set not only our solar system and our galaxy in order, but also the millions upon millions of other galaxies - I imagine, when we get to that moment of knowing Him more fully, that we will be struck with something more breathtaking and beautiful than a sunset on the plains.

All that to give myself a little context when I read from Philippians 3:1:

Finally, my brothers, rejoice in the Lord.