I don't know what God wants with me and I don't know what he wants for me. In theory, I am loved by him and my heart longs to sing his praises. But theory is currently out the window. I don't like God much at all right now.
Here is my real fear
The Lord searches all hearts and understands all the intent of the thoughts.
—1 Chronicles 28:9
What if I don't even know myself?
I'm watching my grandmother go through Dementia/Alzheimers right now. I've had a bad memory as long as I can remember. It isn't that I don't know where my car keys are kind of thing, it is more of I don't remember being the catalyst for my best friend's surprise birthday party. I don't remember fixing code I already fixed. I don't remember entire events and times of my life. They are gone.
And so as I look at a very real trajectory that in 20 years (if I'm still around) I could be spouting something from the deep, dark recesses of my soul to people I don't know or to my own children and wife, what will come out?
Do I really believe? Will Jesus be my best friend and stand by me in that time - or will he let the Devil work his schemes through my lips. Will I be one of those angry and annoying patients that they stick in the back hallways behind locked doors?
My only consolation is that there are times when I don't like my family much at all. I can say that of my wife and children, of my parents and brothers. But this doesn't stop them from being family. And in the end, I will do whatever I can for any of them because I love them as family.
God uses the word Adoption in the Bible to describe how we become his children. Once adopted, we are His. So I can let my fears go and say "God, what you do with me and how you do it is completely up to you."
So let this be my apology in advance to my family and friends. If I turn out to be a disgruntled vegetable when I get old, I'm sorry. Pray for me, that God would see fit to cut away the weeds.
No comments:
Post a Comment