Reflecting on my Love for God

At present, I'm still living in His grace. That is to say that I'm mighty frustrated with God on account of watching non-christian people achieve huge successes (as concerned by my standards) and meanwhile I'm sort of squandering on the side. Why he doesn't just put me under His thumb and squash me is only grace.

I find that nothing makes me more alive than working with High Schoolers. The other night, we had both a High School and Jr. High group over. I walked into the Jr. High group and was simply uninspired to do anything. I walk into the High School group and I can feel my pulse quicken and conversation leap to life. I chased talkative students into corners while pulling the quiet ones out.

It's just who I am, I'm largely frustrated with God because I would love to be in ministry for/to/with this demographic. Twice he has brought me to the doorstep of opportunity and twice he didn't just not answer the door, he opened it and then he slammed it in my face. Twice. (Remember, only a friend can betray a friend).

This has me all flummoxed. What does he want me to do with this passion and drive inside? The first time it happened it took quite a bit of time before I even considered getting back in the ring. This time?

So here I am, wanting to do "good" for God and I get rejected - dare I say, by Him.

CS Lewis writes in Mere Christianity that there is God's love for man, and then there is man's love for God. The second is the curious one because I don't feel much in love with the big guy (as you might be able to surmise why if you've followed my blog). But he proposes that we should act like it and not try to manufacture the feelings.

In truth, I feel this way about my family on any given day/moment. How do I know I love my wife? Because I know I want to spend my life making her happy. However, when she does something to frustrate me - I find myself not feeling very loving. I can't just flip a switch and get all lovey dovey. However, sometime in the next 24 hours, I'm sure I can feel all lovey dovey and ba-dow!

OK forgive me. But the point stands. Mending a relationship with God is difficult. It feels very one sided and time moves much slower. So I'm in the repair stages. I don't FEEL like loving Him, but I will continue to because of the first point Lewis makes; God's love for man.

While my feelings are not consistent, God's love is. For some reason, he doesn't smite me when I rebel in any way. He isn't bothered by my incredulousness. He is patient with me - more than I can ever be. I know this. But I can't help but be frustrated with how he shows his love for me.

See, I don't want Jesus to die on the cross for me, I want him to provide a comfortable life for me. Then it will be easy for me to get back in the saddle and do whatever he calls me to do....

Why doesn't God do what I want!? Why can't I be master of the universe?!